Hello, fair reader. Did you know that we actually have the capability to track your eye movements and see exactly how horny you are for all the sexual wellness products we feature on the site? It’s how we know what you like! We can also use meta data from your webcam to deduce your darkest secrets, the weird videos you’ve favorited on TikTok, and the name of your first pet.
APRIL FOOLS! Although, we’re still convinced our phones are eavesdropping on us, and don’t even get us started on all the weird email lists we get mysteriously added to without ever signing up. That being said, we are your benevolent bringers of stories about products we genuinely think are cool, and our hearts flutter with joy when you like that stuff, too.
OK, enough with the foolsies. We’re here to talk about the melty center to last month’s Cadbury Egg: our reader bestsellers! These are the products you scooped up and hoisted into your artisanal hand-woven Easter baskets with glee, and we think that’s pretty neat. We already knew you love cult-fave sex toys and ultra-comfy mattresses, but this month, we also got a glimpse at your affinity for non-alcoholic canned spritzes, Croc charms, affordable vacuums, and big, crunchy flakes of salt. Feast your eyes on the greatest hits of March 2022.
The magic niacinamide serum that cured our writer’s cystic acne
Our writer Angel Kilmister thought she was stumped about how to get her omnipresent chin acne to scram—until she tried this affordable, simple product that made it all GTFO. At just over $11 for a couple of months’ supply, you can’t go wrong with giving this a shit if you, too, are plagued with little bumpy volcanos on your otherwise gorgeous visage. It was our best-selling product of the month for good reason: For many happy customers, it simply works.
These floating shelves that are dupes for fancy Scandi ones that cost way more
Been fantasizing about turning your living room into an airy Nordic library, but haven’t got the thousands to drop on real-deal Vitsœ shelves? Grab these affordable Wayfair doppelgangers that our writer Mary Frances Knapp came across, and enjoy the compliments from your houseguests while y’all sip on natty wine and eat smoked salmon toasts.
The Italian luxury toothpaste we just can’t quit
There’s a reason Marvis comes up in our editors’ picks and gift guides again and again: It’s just the best toothpaste you can treat yourself to for a little luxury in your morning routine. We like all the flavors, but Rambas just might reign supreme for being so dang unique. It’s truly like having a Michelin-starred dessert twice a day—and oh, yeah, dental hygiene is cool, too.
The dual-stimulation vibrator of the future
We’ve written about LELO’s futuristic Enigma sex toy before, what with its hot-alien design, clit-sucky powers, and rumbly G-spot massager for the ultimate blended orgasm—but we’re still not over just how great this thing if. If you’re in the mood for a real ~*~experience~*~ and a fan of suction toys, it’s a must-try if you’ve got the budget… and it looks like quite a few of you do, since it continues to fly off the shelves.
A personal fire pit for all your LARPing, camping needs
We’re entering prime fire pit season! That’s right—gather round an open flame and shotgun a cheap beer, or bring this sucker to the beach (or your patio) for adding some heat (literally and figuratively) to a pleasant gathering or Satanic sacrificial ceremony (JK! April fools!!!). For real though, the Solo Stove is a bestseller because it’s ultralight and easy to transport, but also super-safe and designed to minimize smoke. For sure a must-have for summer 2022 and all its mischief-making, wholesome or otherwise.
A non-binary swimsuit top for everyone
Shopping for swimsuits as a non-binary or transitioning person can be tricky—but our writer Mel Compo made a great guide that’s here to help you find the swimsuit of your dreams, whatever that may mean in terms of fit and coverage. This top from Etsy has a compression design, but is still super-safe and suited for sports and swimming. Ooh, la la.
The non-alcoholic spritz that rules supreme
Bitters and soda is fine for the non-drinkers among us, but sometimes you wanna really feel like you’re chilling on an Italian piazza in the warm summer air. That’s where Ghia comes in; we love the brand’s booze-free aperitif, and their canned spritz is just as delightful.
The platonic ideal Croc charm
Dwayne ‘the Croc’ Johnson. That’s it, that’s the joke. But for real, we gave up and learned to love Crocs and we’re ready to start charmin’. We might be in too deep, but who GAF? Keep crying, haters.
A toy for humping to your heart’s delight
(Pretty much) everyone likes having explosive orgasms, but not everyone likes being penetrated with a phallic thing or going ape on their clit with a traditional vibe. That’s where Rocks-Off’s Ruby Glow toy comes in; it’s for riding, humping, grinding, and writhing on at your own speed and to your heart’s content.
Natural deodorant that smells like an expensive candle, and actually works
When it comes to the best deodorant, we have a few defining characteristics that we’re looking for: a great scent, no scary-ass ingredients, and obviously, it has to help us not smell like a dumpster. But Taos Aer deo goes above and beyond; it’s plant-derived and aluminum- and paraben-free, and has a gel-to-powder formula that’s designed for the people who actually work out. Plus, the clean, citrus-and-vetiver smell is a delight to apply.
A clit whisperer that looks like a toothbrush from The Jetsons
I mean, that’s the best way of describing Better Love’s Stella toy, with its unique aesthetic and 3-speed, flicking-tongue-simulating action. Got a vulva, and want a toy that simulates receiving oral? This one’s a hit.
Snooze harder on this dreamy mattress
If you missed Sleep Week in March, fret not—lots of mattresses, bedding, and other snooze-adjacent goods are still on sale, including Saatva’s top-rated classic mattress. If you’re sleeping on a mattress pad you stole from your aunt’s pull-out couch in 2013 or have other good reason to be seriously due for an upgrade, this is the perfect time to smash that order button.
The absolute best vacuum under $100
… And just in general? We know everyone worships Dyson, but the Bissell Zing vacuum swept one of our editors off her feet by sucking her entire house—hard to reach corners and baseboards included—clean for the mere price of $61, and made her question why vacuum prices get jacked up so high in the first place. “I also wanted to make sure I found a vacuum that could be stored in a compact space,” she explained, “as my railroad apartment has very little storage.” So not only does this bagless vacuum just not quite, but it knows how to make itself scarce.
Sunscreen that won’t screw up your makeup
There’s nothing worse than feeling like a human glow-stick, courtesy of crappy sunscreen that gives a white cast. Luckily, CeraVe makes a tinted sunscreen that was repeatedly recommended to us by derms as one of the best sunscreens.
Maldon Salt, a divine experience
Maldon salt is one of the best culinary additions you could make to your pantry, and definitely one of the best cult-fave items you can buy on Amazon, where it has garnered over 33,000 reviews and a 4.8-star rating. “I found myself looking forward to each bite,” writes one reviewer, “because every time I bit down, there was a satisfying soft crunch, along with a tiny little explosion of salt taste in my mouth.” Y’all must agree, because you’ve been smashing that order button to sprinkle it on your cookies, poached eggs, and more.
Sorry for making you an April fool. We only pranked you because you’re our close personal friend. Welcome to spring, bitch!!!